Just A Sorrow of A Night

Hi all
Hope you're doing well, but unfortunately I feel quiet sad now.
11.29 PM now and still couldn't sleep, something very unusual for an early riser like me.

You know, as a woman, a single woman to be more precise, life gets hard as you reach the phase of adulthood. And today I just experienced one of the worst things that promotes my sleep disturbance tonight. Hopefully it'll last just for tonight, okay.

Well, I have normally never felt any kind of jealousy, envy or a chronic level of galau when it comes to people asking me (mostly on a wedding or family event) about: "Ayye sweety, so...  when is your turn?" , "Oo Siti, we cannot wait to see yours next" , "Is there any candidate yet? I know someone that might be matching to you" , bla bla, etc.

Sometime I think I might be a heartless woman who has never been offended by all those rhetorical questions or those kind of jokes. Well.. some guys come and go, just like that. Every relative introduced me to a nice guy, exchanged our numbers, then we had a little texting, and then BUM! All gone with the wind. And the cycle runs the exact that way with some guys. Ended up just like that. Well, I--honestly consciously and sincerely--AM totally fine with all that. Really. No galau-galau or anything. I swear. My parents were... okay, mom was a bit exciting with some but she's just turned out okay too. No probs. While my dad was really cool about it. He has never interfered me when it comes to that kind of thingy.

But today.. I feel extremely mentally died. Here is the short version of the story:

One of my relatives tried to "match-making" me with a guy. He comes from a not-so-far relative of the matchmaker. The mobile number exchanged, that guy started SMS me few days ago, then we talked in mobile for a good 1,5 hours. He sound nice. Okay. He has already seen my pix sent by a relative, while I have never seen him nor his picture. When asked, he said that his android mobile was broken that he couldn't send any pict yet. Okay. No probs.

There hasn't been any conversation nor a single SMS between us for a few days after that phone-call up to this day. Okay. Well, I can say that I was busy to attend my first classes in college on the usual weekend schedule. Little did I thought about that guy, he might be busy too. FYI, he runs a shop by himself, a.k.a an entrepreneur. Okay. Having never seen a single pict of him just made me feel all flat.

So, far before that guy sent me the first SMS, the matchmaker already warned me to say this and that, not to say this and that, to be warm and friendly, in conclusion: be a nice girl. Okay.

After the first day of SMS-ing, the matchmaker again warned me to be more warmer, do not late to reply the SMS. Okay.

On the evening after the first 1,5 hour mobile conversation, the matchmaker sound soo extremely excited. Okay. That's a good thing.

During the few hiatus days of the absence of SMS and mobile call, the matchmaker kept asking me, how's it going on? What? He didn't SMS you? No call? So you send a SMS first, lah. Just pretend to text, "Assalamualaikum abang, how are you today? How's the shop?" and all possible types of cheesy text.

I remained still for a few days, not sending anything at all. I don't know, I might be shy but I just don't feel comfortable to do that. Additionally, I didn't know how he looks so what to expect? And the most terrible part is, the matchmaker has also never seen that guy too! Duh! So what is the point of all this?

Well, okay, it is rumored, based on the info the matchmaker got from the guy's parents, that he is a nice guy, has already owned his own shop, just bought a car, basically in 10 words: a settled young entrepreneur who is seeking for a wife. Okay.

This morning the matchmaker asked me again, how's it? I said, still nothing going on. In the investigating voice the matchmaker asked me, what was the last topic you both talked about? I replied, just normal kind of topic, family, activities and all that. It sound okay.

This afternoon the matchmaker asked me again for the second time of the day, the exact same question. Well, I think I am quiet patient by nature but this time I started feel irritated. I tried to reply the same thing with a nice tone, showing my respect to the matchmaker the way I respect my parents. So after talking this and that, the matchmaker then started to sound discredited me.

"There are only 1/3 male population in this earth now, thus we need to select a good one too. So please lah, you start SMS him. What is the big deal? No need to shy about sending 1 hi/hello SMS. The man side will also be happy if you're becoming a warm girl too. If you want something you need to give your effort to get it too. Do something about it. I know the place where that guy lives. You can ask, assalamualaikum, tok.. tok.. tok... like knocking door, asking about food there. Make some jokes about this and that. But don't ask sensitive questions like, how many shops do you own? Do not do that! Ask more about religious thingy, bla, bla"

I calmly tried to reply, "My respectful matchmaker, let it goes naturally. It is all about the feeling. Well, I have never seen any of his pix neither have you. So I didn't want to start any of that flirting thingy coz I don't know how he looks. Look doesn't really matter for me but doesn't mean that's not important too. Meanwhile I felt a bit shy too"

"Well if you kept your shy attitude then it's up to you. You know that it's not easy to find a nice man to be a husband nowadays? You have studied in UI for that long, then why can't you get a nice one in the pool of intelligent, excellent men that time? Then comes A, B, C, D, the list goes on.. then all just ended up like that? Look at these your girl cousins, you want to get married at the emergency age like them (27-29)? Look at that aunty, 40+ already but she's so selfish, no wonder she is still single until now! So after few hiatus days, make your first move now. Go SMS him!"

My breath choked. I tried to respond calmly till the conversation ended. I grabbed my mobile texting SMS to that guy while... few drops of tears coming down my face. My hands trembled. SMS sent. I started sobbing, crying like a crazy. My whole body shaked. I felt like my heart just got hit so hard that it fallen down to the floor. I felt like all things I've done and I've been progressing have gone to waste coz the only thing matters now is to get married. Married. Married. Married. Everything else is useless. My education, my degree, is all useless. I cried with chocked breath for a good 1 hour I guess. My eyes got swollen, my face turned red. I felt so ugly inside out.

After a few hours, all tears shed, I felt little light.
My parents came and I told them everything. I felt much lighter knowing that my parents are all supportive of my on-going education, to finish what I have started first before committing to anything else.

For the matchmaker, thank you so much for the kind-hearted attention to introduce me to a guy. I really appreciate that, deep from my heart.

But as for what's been happening from the past few days: all the interrogation kind of questions and the dictate of scripted words to say to that guy that really contradicts to my nature and has made me feel beyond bad about my self, I think it's time to dismiss this matchmaking. The decision is final on my behalf.